Bacon recipe contest entry: “Feel the squeal! Bacon from scratch”

Rock & roll bacon: Click image for ad

Kathleen Stachowski   Other Nations

Recently, it’s been difficult to get a good Led Zeppelin fix without a side serving of bacon. Or Jethro Tull…and bacon. Blue Oyster Cult…bacon. The Doors…well, you get the picture.

That’s because the local classic rock station is running a bacon recipe contest. Honestly, the National Pork Board must be rubbing its collective hands together in unmitigated glee over how they’ve manipulated consumers into behaving like slavering bacon junkies. Think I’m kidding? Google “bacon song” and see what you get (here’s one moronic example). Or just visit the Bacon Today website where you can peruse an entire library of paeans to pork, prompting one to ask, does the enthusiastic consumption of bacon cause stupidity? …In addition to cancer, of course.  

I’ve written about bacon psychosis before–remember bacon roses for Valentine’s Day? Broaching the subject again feels like beating a dead…well, pig, and had this ignoble contest not been thrust upon the listening public, I’d probably be doing something more uplifting right now. Like pulling cheatgrass in 100 degree heat with no ice-cold beer in the fridge.

“Bacon nachos, bacon pancakes, bacon popcorn, bacon donuts, bacon jam….Do YOU have a unique bacon recipe to unleash on the world?” Classic Rock Z100 Bacon Recipe Contest 2013

Well, yes, I do, and thanks for asking. Not sure how unique it is, though…it gets replicated some 110 million times a year! (According to the US Department of Agriculture, that’s how many pigs are slaughtered in the U.S. annually.) So here’s the recipe I’m submitting: Feel the squeal: Bacon from scratch.

1 piglet
4 cups kosher salt
2 cups brown sugar

Note: By no means should compassion be added to this recipe! However, generous portions of both disregard for suffering and shallow, personal gratification work well as substitutes.


Preparation: Prepare piglet by removing tail and (if male) testicles without anesthesia. Also, clip teeth and notch ears without anesthesia. Discard body parts along with any doubts about whether it’s “worth it” (bacon!!!). (Note: If you don’t have the stomach for this step, it’s time to reconsider your love affair with bacon.) OR, just let an industrial factory farm take over at this point. That’s what most bacon-lovers do. Out of sight, out of mind (BACON!!!).

If piglet is male: Pack piglet into pen and confine intensively for six months. Force pig to stand in his own excrement while suffering extreme boredom, not to mention respiratory illness and other diseases. Liberally administer antibiotics to both ward off disease and to increase weight gain. Do not provide veterinary care, as this will affect the bottom line (i.e., the price of your bacon). After six months of suffering, slaughter.

All Creatures – click image

If piglet is female: Follow preparation directions above. When pig is ready to breed, begin repeated cycles of artificial insemination and pregnancy. Confine sow to gestation crate, severely confining her movement, causing crippling leg disorders and psychosis. (Flavor of bacon will not be affected.) After birth, move sow to equally-restrictive farrowing crate. Remove piglets prematurely (ignore mother’s distress) and re-impregnate sow. Should a prolapsed uterus occur, ignore until death occurs. When sow is worn out, discard by sending to slaughter.

Transport pig to slaughterhouse: Pig must be packed–with many others–very tightly into transport carrier to avoid injury (to bottom line). If necessary, beat or shock pig to force onto truck. Extreme heat or freezing temperatures can be ignored.  For further details on this recipe step, refer to video, “Behind Blue Eyes” (another pairing of classic rock–from The Who–with bacon in its emerging state…).

Slaughter: Stun pig by any approved method. Improper or incomplete stunning should be ignored; slowing down the slaughter assembly line cannot be tolerated (time is money!) and improper stunning won’t affect final product. Whether stunned or not, hoist pig by hind leg and thrust knife in neck to drain blood. Whether still conscious or not, proceed to scalding tank and dunk in boiling water. Note: This recipe step can be reviewed in an undercover slaughterhouse video.

Pork: The truth – click image

Obtain a slab of pork belly; rub in salt and sugar to cover. Cure in the refrigerator for one week, then smoke and slice to desired thickness. Fry and enjoy! If you followed these steps carefully, you should be able to “feel the squeal” as you are transported to pure, gustatory bliss. It’s not likely that the prolonged suffering and hideous death of this thinking, feeling animal will cross your mind to taint your fleeting enjoyment. Kick back with some classic rock.

For further assistance with this recipe:

6 Responses

  1. A perfect recipe to pass along to all my bacon-loving friends.

    If there were a Jonathan Swift Award for vegan writers, Kathleen, you would receive it. (And I don’t mean Swift bacon!)

  2. No one should eat bacon.

  3. Thank you! A brilliant assessment of what it takes to “cure” the bacon addictions. Poor pigs. 😥

  4. […] Full story  […]

  5. I think the pork industry took some advertising pointers from Big Tobacco…sure, it’ll kill ya, but don’t you look COOL!

  6. Kathleen, you are an amazing writer …I adore your mind and your sensitivity…you are the answer to my own special brand of “prayers”…which consist of begging folks to make a difference in the lives of sentient beings NOW while we LIVE…and not one moment beyond NOW…STOPPING THE MADNESS in real time….heaven on earth. BLESS YOU FOREVER!

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